On November 1st 1984 I was born in Orange California. I was born to good parents who taught me somewhat in the knowledge of my God. From the age of 8 years old, I was a member of this Faith. I grew to understand many things. I first grew to know and love my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I came to believe that Joseph Smith Junior was an inspired man of God and that God spoke to his children. The most telling experience I had of this was at the age of 12 years old when the youth made frequent trips to the Mormon Temple in San Diego. I had an hour to burn, so I took it upon myself to inquire if there was a small, quiet room in which I could kneel in humble prayer and not be disturbed. A Temple worker led me to a room where this could be made possible. I knelt and began to pour my heart out to God. I did not truly grasp the power this Being possessed, but I knew he was someone to whom I could talk with. I voiced my concerns, and then listened carefully to the knowledge and feelings that came. I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of belonging. It is difficult to articulate, but I felt a sense of belonging and camaraderie. I knew with certainty that a divine being was watching over me.
This divine being that had blessed me spiritually and physically and saved many times, I am certain. I came to know him as God the Father. It seemed at times the only thing of comfort to know that someone truly understood what I was going through and knew of my struggle. It soon became apparent after several years that I was “different.” A revelation to the Prophet Joseph Smith would seem appropriate here. I remember asking why the Lord would place a burden that seemed too heavy to carry upon my back. The response I received was clear “Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do stand by thee….And all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good”. I began to meet with my bishop whom I considered to be a close friend and mentor. I opened up about this struggle, and there the information stayed. It seemed to help being able to talk about what I was feeling with someone I trusted. Though the Scriptures had hints of counsel with my specific trial of what I was going through Modern revelation, it seemed to cloud what I was feeling. At that point I decided I needed to further explore what I was feeling and why there was a subtle void in my life.
At the young age of eight years old, I began to feel an attraction towards members of the same
gender. I never acted upon what I was feeling, yet I never dated girls as it would seem dishonest and unfair to the girl to not be able to give her all of my heart. I continued to meet with my Bishop’s successor, yet the feelings continued to get stronger and stronger. I fought like a lion fighting for its life. The feelings would manifest in many ways, and so my spiritual battle began. I seemed to gradually make progress, and just when I thought I was in control again, a guy friend I had met at work and with whom I became good friends asked me one night to hang out. That night, serious blew to my battle took place. He kissed me on the lips. I had this feeling rush through me, as if my soul were on fire. I had the overall feeling I had betrayed myself. I felt guilty; though, I had done no wrong, I immediately sought Priesthood leadership to feel better about this experience. I eventually felt calm again and moved on with my life. I went on a Mission like every young Mormon man at the age of 19 years old did. “I am prepared for everything”, I naively thought to myself. I had graduated from Seminary with excellent grades, and I was ready to face the world.
At the young age of 20 years old, I applied to serve a Mission for the Church. I was eventually called to serve in the Alabama Birmingham Mission where I served faithfully and came home with my head held high and with an honorable release. I considered my mission a success in that I had learned much. And though I learned many things whilst there, I want to share what happened in the final weeks of Mission. I had just been given a new companion, which turned out to be a lasting friendship even after the Mission. Elder Darnell taught me much concerning “What is, and not what could be or has been”. I eventually confided in my Mission President whom I considered a father figure, gave me some words of comfort, then said something that has forever changed me and the way I view reality: “You will not be happy until you follow your heart.” I came to accept my situation no longer as a challenge but rather a gift. The feeling of God’s love came to me more clearly at that moment than ever before, for it had never occurred to me that I was made this way deliberately, that in God’s infinite wisdom and mercy He saw fit to bless me with this gift. I see life totally differently than I ever had before. Now, I can reconcile my sexuality with my spirituality.
That reconciliation all starts with understanding deity. And the nature and influence of an
eternal, unconditional love. At the very center of God’s love, we must love ourselves before we can allow another person to love us. yes it is true, we cannot expect someone else to love us, and we cannot love ourselves. So often people miss the mark believing if I am gay, or I am black, or I am Orange that God will not love me because I am different. I believe that we are all created the way we are for a reason. As the Prophet Nephi in the Book of Mormon is said, “For a wise purpose in Him, which purpose I know not”. The gift of homosexuality is bigger than you and I can possibly fully understand. For God to love us is unconditional. Remember, we all were created in his image and in his likeness, according to Genesis chapter one.
I pose a challenge to those of you who blame God for giving you this heavy burden…..Do
you truly understand how amazing you are as a direct result of God’s love for you? For all those seeking answers to life’s questions, I can only offer my experiences and thoughts. Ultimately it comes down to allowing yourself to be teachable. Many times people say that gays aren’t born like this, or that we choose it. Whatever the critics have to say, know that God is aware of you and your situation. At the very moment I felt isolated, ostracized, and alone I knew that God knew of my situation, I cannot and will not deny that God has placed these experiences or hurtles in my life to prepare me for coming out. An old friend reminded me of this simple yet beautiful illustration. St. John chapter 11 verse 43. “And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.” There is a powerful translation into each Son or Daughter of God who is considering coming out. The Savior says arise and come forth. This has always stuck with me, and I will always keep this lesson in my heart. I am forever grateful for the love and companionship of a loving God. I offer my life’s experiences up to anyone who may learn and benefit from what I have learned. May it bless others as it has blessed my life!
To those who read this, you should know two things. First, I am an open book. My life’s
experience is available to any and all who would read and learn with an open heart. Second, take what
you have learned and apply it however you deem appropriate into your own life. My life has been a
bumpy road, but I have been blessed all the more because of what I have endured and experienced. I
do not have all the answers to life’s questions, but I know without a doubt all will be made right in the
hereafter. Many have believed religion has the answers, I have experienced that most religions have their good, and they serve a purpose of belonging, but on occasion they begin to place parameters around God’s unconditional love, as if they truly understood it. Truthfully, I believe that being raised as a Latter-Day Saint has blessed with the knowledge God loves me as I am, and not as I could be or had been. I am who I am and that has taken me a long time to accept. Hopefully, this knowledge comes to others sooner than it did to me. God bless and we have a greater sense of understanding of divine love, and emerge as beloved children of an all-powerful, ever-understanding, unconditional and forever always constant guide. In closing I have one more bit of advice. Will you please remember “This is not 1830 and there are not just six of us.”
Written By,
Norbert Junior
